I feel like the lotuses quietly floating on the still lake garden. Merely pretty petals on the surface– but a mess of tangled roots underneath.
As of recent, I have been feeling an odd sense of emotional unrest, one stemming from a reason I can’t quite put my finger on. Usually signs point to my life-long struggle with my inferiority complex, but this time I felt that the unrest stemmed from something of a much bigger magnitude. Yes, this emotional unrest is due to something buried much deeper in the folds of my heart, something quite nearer to the soul.
I have been doing a lot of thinking (zoning out into the abyss in the middle of Life) and I think I finally have it figured out. Most of my unrest is stirred by this sense of spiritual emptiness I feel. If one is spiritually empty, one must be spiritually detached. As a Muslim, this is something I needed to take seriously. One of the purest relationships you can have is one with The Almighty, The Creator. Allah yang Maha Besar. If my spiritual connection with God is one that is detached, then I must be doing something wrong somewhere.
Ramadhan, the month of barakah, starts tomorrow. Ramadhan is often said to be the month that is the changing point of your life. A month where you can self-reflect and work towards becoming better. A month where you work towards becoming closer to God. It is more than just ‘not eating’ and ‘not drinking’. And alhamdulillah, I am more than grateful that I am still given the chance to embrace this beautiful month.
That being said, I am looking forward to fully immerse myself in the true Ramadhan spirit inshaAllah and repair my relationship with God, hence also automatically repairing my relationship with myself. My life-long misi mencari Tuhan will start here, in Ramadhan, God willing.
I hope to improve by living my life in constant remembrance of God, to be sincere in my ibadah. I hope to become a productive member of society and to respect time, by wasting less on inconsequential matters (social media and mindless chatting). I hope I can work hard to overcome my emotional barriers and start believing in my own self worth. I hope I can give back to society, learn to love myself and others, and foster that optimistic outlook on life. No more negativity after this, no more putting myself down.
Although this may seem like a lot of work, I know I can make it. The key is to take things one at a time. Rome was not built in a day. Progress takes time. All I need is faith and who best to put my faith in other then God? We are all works in progress and I hope I will have progressed enough to attain success in this World and the Hereafter.
Things will get better. InshaAllah. I have faith.